Tuesday, February 23rd, 2010
My heart is full. I’m curled up on my couch with my laptop and a glass of wine. It is 3am, and this night owl is still processing, reflecting, dreaming. Only hours ago I sat with my friends at Calumet Photo Chicago listening to Justin and Mary Marantz on the last leg of their Spread the Love Workshop. Woven throughout the many valuable marketing insights and business principles was a lot of talk about setting goals and building momentum. As they shared about living a life you love, being UN-ordinary (a Justin and Mary-ism), discovering what makes you unique as a photographer and an individual, and being intentional, everything I’ve learned in the past year came rushing back to me like a tidal wave. The timing could not have been more appropriate. It is exactly this time one year ago that several major changes were set into motion to lead me to where I am today. I have been lax about journaling these last few months (until very recently), but tonight I pulled it out to look back, and remember.
February 11, 2009. Rochester, NY. I told myself I was going to start overcoming my fears, be myself, and really start getting to know photographers in the area. I had been to GRPP (Greater Rochester Professional Photographers) meetings before, but it wasn’t until last year that I really made it a priority. “I walked into the meeting tonight trying not to feel fear. I pushed it aside, took a deep breath, and felt a rush of confidence as I walked into Booksmart [Studio]. I didn’t see anyone I recognized at first, and the fear tried to coax its way back in. I was half-tempted to turn around and walk out the door, but I smiled and willed myself to loosen up. Turns out I met some great people and truly ended up enjoying myself. Maybe I’m not a total trainwreck.” Ha! It may seem small, but that was the beginning of the end of this shy girl. Little did I know that I was on the cusp of forming some deeply meaningful friendships.
February 13-19, 2009. Las Vegas, NV. It was my friends and mentors, Brody Wheeler and Daryn Backal, that had originally convinced me to go to WPPI in 2008, and my second year I took a risk and decided to stay with some girls I had never met before. It put me outside my comfort zone and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made. I was unsettled, unhappy with my job and on the brink of some major changes, and yet I still didn’t know just how profoundly this conference would affect me. WPPI is what set in motion the renewal and pursuit of my vision and the forming of relationships that have fueled my growth this past year. As my plane departed McCarran airport and tears streamed down my face, I started this entry: “I am exhausted, inspired, emotional, motivated, excited, scared as hell, deeply moved, and so very in touch with my spirit. This is the place from which I want to live my life- I want to live from my heart….For the first time in so long, I feel PURPOSE.” I cannot even begin to express to you, my friends, after years of sifting through the remains of (what I had told myself were) crumbled dreams, just how much it meant to me to tap into a reignited passion. To realize that it was more than creating art that was driving me, but that it was the entire experience that would be most fulfilling to me and my clients. To be reminded not to change who I am for anyone. To be given “permission” to break out of my box of acting like I had it “together,” and just being real as I developed relationships with my colleagues and clients. To be challenged to connect, relate, and shoot from my heart. To take a risk and go after a life I love.
I could go on and on about the events and people that impacted my life over the last 12 months. My first trip out to Chicago in March. David Jay‘s talk on creating freedom in our businesses and Kevin Kubota‘s emphasis on workflow and developing a business mantra at PPSNYS (Professional Photographers of New York State) State Convention in Albany. My travels to Florida, Philadelphia, San Jose, Vegas again, LA….Italy! My mom’s ever-growing support for me and belief in my crazy dream, and my father’s legacy of calloused hands and working hard to get what you want out of life. Developing friendships and receiving priceless instruction from Kenny Kim, Bob and Dawn Davis, and Dane Sanders. Meeting friends and fellow photographers in Chicago and across the country who have opened their hearts to me, and encouraged me in my journey. I cannot even do justice to how deeply each of them has influenced my life in their unique ways, and I anticipate dedicating future posts to what an incredible investment they have made into me. Every insight has been progressive, building upon a rock solid foundation for my business and life.
It may sound trite, but I just can’t stop saying it- I am just so thankful. I am so blessed. Last year I was afraid to walk into a small meeting of photographers in Rochester, and now I facilitate a group for photographers to connect in Chicago, a city I hadn’t stepped foot in until 11 months ago. Tonight I sat around sipping drinks with friends- not the “talk-about-the-weather-and-what-kind-of-camera-we-use” friends, but the true “pour-our-hearts-out-and-share-our-hopes-and-fears-I-got-your-back” kinda friends. (Wow. Seriously just blown away by how incredible each of them really are.) Last year I was using all of my energy to build someone else’s business and now I have the freedom to invest into my own. I share this not to brag, but to express my gratitude for all those who have believed in me and poured into me. And because if any of this strikes a chord in you, I want to encourage you to believe you truly have what it takes to go after what you want, and to live a life you love. One year ago, I was a shy, scared girl in Rochester with no direction. And tonight I sit here in the wee hours of the night in my apartment in Chicago, still a little scared, still a little shy, but full of vision and empowered to do whatever it takes to see it through. It has not been easy. Change is expensive. There have been many obstacles that would tempt me to give up altogether. It has already cost me massive amounts of things I care about. I am nowhere close to being “there,” yet. But I’m overcoming my fears and taking on new challenges one step at a time.
Listening to Justin and Mary today, I was reminded of so many disciplines I “should have” put into practice by now. I feel a little bit like I “should be” so much further along than I am. And then I hear Dawn saying, “‘Should’ is no longer a part of my vocabulary.” And Dane, on redemption, “Renegotiate your commitment, and stick to it.” I look back and see just how far I have really come. It hasn’t happened overnight. There were a lot of late night talks with friends, a lot of laughter and tears, a lot of goal writing, a lot of strategizing and working long hours. There will be plenty more of those nights, and many days of wondering if I can actually accomplish what I’ve dreamt I can. But I cannot do anything less than I’m made to do. “I have everything I need within me,” I wrote a year ago. Let’s believe that. Let’s write down our goals and have faith that we can accomplish them. Let’s not settle for anything short of the live we love. Let’s be remarkable.
Tags: Albany, Bob Davis, Booksmart Studio, Calumet Photo, Chicago, Chicago Photography, Dane Sanders, Dawn Davis, GRPP, Jennifer Kathryn Gaudreau, Jennifer Kathryn Photography, Justin Marantz, Kenny Kim, Las Vegas, Mary Marantz, New York, Photography, PPSNYS, Rochester, Spread the Love, Workshop, WPPI
Posted in Keepin' It Real, Personal, Workshops | 10 Comments »
OK, a natural disaster, maybe. I keep meaning to change my middle name to Grace. It’s not in my genes, so I may as well make it part of my name if I’m to have any hope at all. My day started out great. Church and lunch with friends, and a relaxing afternoon sipping tea and reading at Starbucks. I went into work upbeat in spite of it being a slow night. And then I tried to open that dang bottle of Moscato. Nevermind my favorite wine key that has been with me through thick and thin the last four year got confiscated at the airport. Or that the cork felt like it had expanded entirely too much to be extricated. I had this. But that dang new wine key. It kept faltering. I braced it against my hip, pulled hard, and BAM! The bottle broke and a trail of blood was streaming from my finger. No worries. 20 minutes later, index finger wrapped in gauze and red duct tape and I was good to go. Sure, I looked a little bit like E.T. but that wasn’t going to stop me. Relatively smooth night, and I was rockin’ and rollin’ despite my injury. Until I shattered a pint glass all over the bar floor. I mumbled something about it not being my day, as the busser (whom I adore) came to my rescue. It’s ok; I flashed a smile to my patrons and continued as if nothing had happened at all. But then someone had to ring in those cappuccinos. Oh those wretched cappuccinos. I’m a bartender, not a barista. Creating perfectly frothed milk? Not my specialty. I can down a cup at Intelligentsia or Starbucks, no problem, but accomplishing such a task? Not so much. But here was my moment to shine. I was gonna show those coffees who was boss. Doin’ great, doin’ great, milk frothing, yeahhh it was frothing…..dialing down the pressure….and, uh-oh, it’s getting higher, now frantically turning the nozzle, crap it’s gonna overflow, and BAM!!! Frothy milk explosion. All over the counter and my cute black top. Awesome. I couldn’t even glance behind me at the onlookers. I felt my the heat creep into my face as I hurriedly began cleaning up my mess and presenting the cappuccinos to the server who ordered them. Suddenly I was in first grade again. I could feel the icy stares and there was nothing I could do but bear it. It was like they were all laughing at me, but were too dignified to express it out loud. In my humiliation, I began lamenting the less than glamorous work it sometimes takes on the path I have chosen to fulfill my dream.